All-American Limericks
"Three cheers for the embarassed, abashed, and slightly smutty."
A clever young stu out of Troy
Engineered a first date with a boy.
They rigged a kazoo
With a mouthpiece for two:
Made millions inventing this toy.
A yachtsman in Long Island Sound
Sailed ‘round and around and around.
He was still a bit tipsy
From a crawl in Poughkeepsie.
So a sandbar was all his boat found.
A bachelor farmer named Jake
Lived peacefully by River Snake
’Til one day the water
Rose more than it ought-er
And carried poor Jake to his wake.
A caterer just outside Fargo
Was due to deliver escargot,
But her minivan balked.
The snails could have walked
In less time than the van took that cargo.
A gentleman Dave from Altoona
Ran late for date with ballooner,
But he leapt, grabbed the basket
As the pilot yelled, “Blast it!”
Now Dave is much later than sooner.
A nun asked him out pure Platonic-ly.
He found that she drank gin and tonic-ly.
When he was near dead
She got him in bed,
And delivered a bang plate-tectonically!
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A grimy young boy of Lamar
Keeps his favorite frog in a jar.
Wraps his favorite turtle
In someone’s old girdle,
Um, leaves the creepy old newts where they are.
A dotty old coot from St. Paul
Went clothes shopping out at the Mall.
Lost his jacket while changing,
And his wallet and keyring –
Came out wearing nothing at all.
An ingenue from Cincinnati
Was as elegant as she was batty.
She wore fancy clothes
From a hat down to hose,
But her sneakers were totally ratty.
A pretty young girl in Bryn Mawr
Could be frequently found in a bar,
But it’s not what you think –
She’s not fond of drink –
It’s her thesis on people who are.
A gawky young geek from Metuchen,
Of dating finesse he’s not much in.
His latest fair maid
The touchin’ forbade
Until on their dates they’d stop dutchin’.
A consumptive old creep out of Casper
Was a minor-league cad and a rasper,
When he neared a femme
The noise of his phlegm
Gave her notice when he tried to grasp her.
Our chef came from far Okinawa.
Cooked moo goo gai pan in an hour.
The chef took a taste
And offered in haste,
“’Tis as sweet as it gets – only sour.”
A private in Fort Hood’s brigade
Pulled the pin from a dummy grenade
He tossed it to Neil,
It turned out to be real.
Now he’s Kileen time in stockade.
An Okie lad hailing from Ada
Has a girlfriend, a real sweet tomato.
When out in his pickup,
She makes the guys perk up,
But a pickup is what he’s afraid o’.
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If you are a scribe from Biloxi,
A limerick calls for no moxie.
Orthodoxy not needed,
Rhythm, meter not heeded,
For you still have to work in
Boxy, soxy, and epoxy!
A fiery young dentist from Ossining
Would strongly commend a good floss-ening.
He’d point to green rocks
On the banks near the docks
And preach that a floss-ening stops moss-ening.
A bell ringer John from up Sebewaing
Decided to have one last fling-a-ding.
He found him a lass
And plied her with class,
But alas, she’d no use for his ding-a-ling.
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all rights reserved. October, 2021
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