Uncle Bob celebrates our new rollout with a new …

Hack for the Tabloids Contest – 2021 Edition

 

The Back Story: Walt Woeful, chief (and only) reporter for the Tiltin’ Tribune, seems to be under the weather today. As a matter of fact, we found him this morning misty-eyed, chilled, and nearly drowning in scotch. Walt left us with a pile of copy to complete prior to deadline. We need your help. The presses are ready to roll, but the type is not set by a long shot. Hacks or Wannabes! You can do this! Don’t worry about checking sources and facts. Walt never does.


 

The Contest Rules: Pick one headline, one caption, and one story from the lists below and fill in the blanks. For your headline and caption you must use the exact words given. You are free to re-arrange the text for the story as you see fit, and cap it off with a sentence or two, but the context must remain unchanged. These three items will constitute your contest entry, but you can submit more than one entry, if you have the stomach for it.

 

Example entry:

Headline: SWEDEN HARBORS MOST DANGEROUS ________ 
(BLOND BOMBSHELLS).
 

Caption: Homemaker Heidi Hemple shows the results of one of her helpful household hints. She cleans her _______ using ________. 
(mirrors, reflective tape)
 

Story: New species of bird discovered on Long Beach Island. The bird has a blueish-green back with _______ on its breast. It builds its nest in _________, and it feeds its young ________. Ornithologist Clyde Bentley said ... 
(boysenberry stains, sand castles, clams casino, “One look and I knew we had a strange bird on our hands.”)

Headlines – (choose one)

 

Headline 1: BRITNEY’S NEW BEAU: ___


 

Headline 2: BILL MURRAY AND ___ TO TIE KNOT


 

Headline 3: ENERGY DRINK MUSCLE-JOOS FOUND TO CONTAIN ___


 

Headline 4: NEW PROOF OF ___ ON MARS

 


Headline 5: DENVER EIGHT-YEAR-OLD USING INTERNET TO ___

 

Captions – (choose one)

 

Caption 1: Actress Zeta-Jones and escort ___ seen here at celebrity fundraiser for the GentleHeart Foundation which raises money for ___

 

Caption 2: Unretouched photo captures apparition of ___ with three heads and ___

 

Caption 3: A crowd gathers as ___ Inc. debuts its new computerized ___

 

Caption 4: Twenty-six-year-old Seattle woman shown with her gruesomely hairy face and ___. She reports her biggest problem to be ___

 

Caption 5: Gardener Sheila Wheatley and daughter Fanny show off Fanny’s record-breaking ___. Fanny cared for the plant on a daily basis by watering it and ___

 

Stories – (choose one)

 

Story 1: Elvis alive in ___. Elvis and ___ were spotted doing ___ by Jake Bling a local ___. The townsfolk all ...

 

Story 2: Here’s an alien abduction story with a twist. Sally Dweezle was spirited away in the middle of watching a ___ rerun on TV. The objective of her 3’6” reptile-like captors appears to have been ___ because they extracted from her a promise to ...

 

Story 3: Bert Bagway plans to cross the continental US this spring, riding a ___, in hopes of raising money for and awareness of the dreaded condition ___ which his little brother Crothie suffers from. The Bagway Grocery chain has already pledged $500 to kickoff the effort. Bert said that he hoped that the trip ...

 

Story 4: Genetically engineered butternut squash may hold the solution to the world’s ___ problem. Chemists are now testing whether cooking the large vegetable outdoors in open pits will ___. The research is drawing protests from groups concerned with the possibility ...

 

Story 5: Retired golf pro Hazel Hanratty got the shock of her life on the sixteenth green of her local club’s course. While lining up a 22-foot putt, she was overcome by a sensation of ___ and immediately went looking for ___. Family and friends insisted that she be checked medically, but hospital physicians reported nothing wrong with her. They recommended ...

 

Story 6: Young Philadelphia woman attempts to enter Guinness book. Ruth Entwhistle of the Olney section will attempt to set a record by making the longest ___ using only ___ and stopping only for the customary five-minute rest period every hour. Ruth was disqualified by Guinness officials in last year’s attempt to break the record. She forgot that ...

 

Story 7: MENSA accepts youngest member ever. The high IQ society MENSA announced Tuesday that it will enroll two-year-old Bibby Peters whose IQ is estimated to be ___. Bibby not only understands particle physics but ___ as well. Bibby’s parents are awed by the presence of this genius, especially in light of the fact that ...

 

Story 8: New Hampshire's Mount Washington to blow its top. Henry Hackels, a career forest ranger and amateur tectologist, predicts that Mount Washington, located in what seems to be a very stable region of the U.S., geologically speaking, will erupt in a hail of granite and ___ very soon. Henry has begun recording the vibrations as measured by his ___. He says he has already experienced ...

The winner will be the hack who best uses appropriate format, humor and originality. Decision of Uncle Bob is final. Entrants agree that Uncle Bob can make one-time use of material submitted – and that means keep it clean.

 

Deadline: Entries must be received by December 1, 2021, so get hackin’. Email your entry to Uncle Bob.

 

Prizes: Prizes? We ain’t got no stinkin’ prizes.

© October, 2021. All rights reserved