UB Puzzles - The Hefty Olympics

Uncle Bob's Puzzle Corner

An Olympics for the Rest of Us

What image comes to mind when you read the phrase Hefty Olympics? Is it that chub–athalon on cable TV, where the big bruisers, mostly Scandinavian as I recall, try to lift tank cars over their heads, or try to drag 747s uphill with the brakes on?

Well, you're wrong. The Hefty Olympics is a spectacle that we all can participate in, and summer is the season for it. What follows are suggestions for how to organize and host your own Hefty Olympics this August.

The Hefty Olympics

Required facility – any back yard.

Corporate backing – a grocery open on weekends would be a plus.

Housing requirements – most competitors could probably make it home.

Events – ah, the events!

The Lighting of the Porch – does this make trumpets and the voice of Jim McKay ring in your ears?

Hammock Throw – an event for a team of two, 3, or 4 VERY close friends.

15 Milliliter White Wine Swizzles – we're hoping for some really chic white wine ads here.

Staple Cheese – not to be confused with the Pinned-athalon, which puts all the cheeses up on display.

Pintathalon – Bottoms up!

Slim Jimnastics – this event is justified, only if we get the younger set off of smokeless tobacco.

The Uneven Barbecue Grills

Chair Exercise and Bench Pressing

Forklifting

The Sitting Long-Reach

Ketchup Relays

Discussing – we put you in the center, and you have 360 degrees within which to fling it.

Short Pudding – replaces Pud Up or Shud Up.

Decafalon

and the Dozing Ceremonies – the only true measure of a successful Hefty Olympics.

Advise the entrants to train hard so that they will not be the first to withdraw from the table.

I think you can see that you are quite capable of hosting the next Hefty Olympics, so the time to prepare is now. Have your organizing committee meet well in advance to select the official beer, candy, and antacid for your Hefty Olympics.

Might I suggest

“On Top of Spaghetti” as the official Hefty Olympic theme?

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